my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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