i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
