I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
