I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm just crazy horny about you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
