his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
