Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
