My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
