Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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