I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
