god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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