he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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