What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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