There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
