I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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