PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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