Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
