Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
