I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
