dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You left your phone here
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