I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
