My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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