Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
