Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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