i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I am spending my child support on dildos
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
