after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
