i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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