I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
