did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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