Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I need a beard to bite.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
