So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
