Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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