I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
