sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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