SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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