New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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