i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
