So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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