Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
