life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
