I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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