Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
