Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
