I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
