I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Who died my cat blue again?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
