I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
