It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
