i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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