Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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