I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
