When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
