he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize