Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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