Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
