Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
