Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
