dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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