Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
