dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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