If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
